Ch Ch Ch Changes

I don't know why that song line popped into my head when I was thinking about this post. I really don't even know what song it is.

My family has gone through some changes this last month and a half...and the changes continued yesterday. As you may know, we added some foster kids to our family in September. Today we had to drop them off with their new family.

I can't give all the details about why this happened, but I can say it was a sad day for all of us. We hope that B and K will be able to grow with their new family. We also hope that Meg will be able to go back to being the old Meg we love so much.

Foster care is a big decision. It is not to be taken lightly. We all thought we were prepared, but there really was no way for us to be. We were all taken by surprise.

I hate to call it an experiment because it affected so many lives, but it was definitely a learning experience for us. I hope that B and K will take the things we taught them with them for the rest of their lives. We hope we did our little part to make their lives better.

If "stuff" is a measure of happiness, then they are much happier now then when they first arrived in our home. When The Queen picked them up they only had the clothes they were wearing and the shoes on their feet. The county gave them each a sweater, but that was it. We bought them a lot of clothes and some toys to help them be kids. I just hope they took more than "stuff" with them. I hope they learned some things from our family.

It was somewhat funny. When we told them that they were going to live with a new family, K just asked what she was taking with her. She asked if she was going to be able to take a couple of items with her, like her Halloween costume. She also told us she wanted to leave a picture she drew recently with us.

She told us she missed us, but she was OK with the change as far as we could tell. B shed some tears, but she was her same outwardly strong self. I know she was disappointed that they were moving, but she tried not to let it show.

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It Has Been Difficult

I am not even going to sugar coat things. We have been having a tough time with our new larger family. B has really been testing us. She has also been testing Meg.

B has been very manipulative with regard to Meg. On Sunday she asked Meg to write mean things on a piece of paper. She kept telling her to write even meaner things. Yesterday she was throwing a fit about doing home work and then "tattled" on Meg. Meg got very upset. B eventually admitted that she asked her to write those things, but I told Meg that did not make it right. I told her that she knows right from wrong and that she needs to continue to make good choices.

B then told us that her therapist told her she can call her family. She said that Meg heard her tell her. Meg said that the therapist told her she would have to ask her social worker. We knew that was the case, but Meg confirmed it. B has issues with lying about everything. Last week she told us that she had an iPad at her house. Then later in the day she said, "I wish I had an iPad." She gets caught in her lies all the time.

I'm tired. And this week is my ten year wedding anniversary with The Queen. I hope I will be able to take her out so we can forget about everything for a while. I really wanted this to be a special anniversary, but that is not going to happen.

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A Better Week

This week has been much better than last weekend. I am hoping that is is a permanent change, but you never know what will happen when the girls spend the whole weekend together again. On the positive side, Chels will be home this weekend so hopefully she can diffuse some of the problems for us.

Yesterday K was bouncing off the walls when I picked her up from her after school program. I let her go for a while and then told her to calm down and she did. She was much better after that. She actually kissed my eyelid and my cheek at two different points last night. She has hugged me and called me dad plenty of times, but that is the first time she has kissed me.

B and Meg were having issues before soccer practice. Meg was in a bad mood and she just was not taking much from B. I had to speak to her a few times to get her to act a little nicer.

I had to tell all three girls that they need to treat each other better. I will need to remind them of that constantly until it all sinks in.

The first thing out of K's mouth on Wednesday when the social worker came over was, "can I have a piece of gum?" The social worker told her she was not in charge, which was a good thing. Last night after soccer practice we were walking by the assistant coach who was buying something at the snack bar and B asked him to buy her a soda.

I had to tell the girls not to ask people for stuff. B said that she was just joking with the assistant coach, but I told her it was not a funny joke. I told them that it is rude to ask people for stuff. I know for sure that we will have to keep reminding them of this fact. It just seems to be second nature for them at this point. Whenever someone has something they say they want it. I guess that comes from their upbringing so far. It might have been a form of survival for all we know.

These bad habits are going to be hard to break, but I am game.

On another note, the social worker told us on Wednesday that their family members have been calling to try to see them. All of their rights have been terminated, but they keep calling. That is a little weird to me, but I guess I need to get used to it.

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Tough Days

We met with our social worker on Friday evening and talked about a lot of things, but mostly about how lucky we had been up to that point. She told us that this was the honeymoon phase and that things will change as the kids get more comfortable with us. She was right.

Saturday was a very hard day for everyone. We had an early soccer game so our day was very long. It was B's first game so she was pretty excited. After the game we split up because I had to referee a game. The Queen and the kids went to her parent's house for menudo. When I got home she told me that she had to separate all three of the kids when they got back home.

We headed off to lunch with my family and then we went straight to the girl's counseling session. K was excited to be there and B was just roaming around the whole place like she owned it. She even yelled up the stairs to her counselor at one point. Once they were in the hands of the counselor, we went to go see Chels for her birthday.

When we got back to pick them up, K was eating some Doritos. That kind of annoyed me since we just had lunch before dropping them off, but I let it go. The kids seemed to be fine.

When we got home, The Queen had to go to the grocery store to pick up some things for dinner. We were having some friends over that night. The girls all went out into the front yard to play. I checked on them often. After a little while, Meg came in and said that K said a bad word. I asked her what she said and she told me she could not say it. I brought K in and started talking to her about what she had said. She would not tell me the word she said, but told me that her little brother taught it to her. I gave her a time out.

Meg and B had already told The Queen what had happened before she walked in the door. She had another conversation with K about what she said and we left her in time out for a little while longer. We made her apologize to Meg for calling her a name.

The girls all started picking at each other, so we finally just took Meg into our bedroom and had a long talk with her. She was crying and was very frustrated. The Queen felt very sorry for putting her in this situation. I told her that Meg was strong enough to make it through this and would become a better person because of it. The picking at each other continued after our friends arrived. The girls had to be separated several times.

B fell asleep in the family room before anyone else. K came into the living room and wanted to lay on me. I let her for a while, but then told her she would have to brush her teeth and go to bed. She had a little fit, but went to brush her teeth the second time I told her. She ended up throwing a major fit in bed and was trying to make herself vomit. She was gagging herself repeatedly. I finally got her calm again and she went to sleep.

I went into Meg's room to turn off her light at about eleven and I heard K talking in her bed. I went in to find that she had vomited. The Queen and I cleaned everything up and got her in the shower and back into bed. It was a long day.

When I got the girls home from school on Monday I had them start their home work. Everything was fine and then all of the sudden B started crying and ducking under that table. I asked her to stop and she refused. She just kept whining softly so that I could not understand what she was saying. I took her home work away from her and told her she was done and that I would write a note to her teacher to tell her that B could not complete the work. I told her to leave the room so the other girls could finish their home work. She stopped crying at that point and started trying her home work again.

The Queen got home and it was time to take the girls back for another counseling session. When we got there B just started roaming around again and we made her stop. She just refused to listen to The Queen and kept moving a sign in the lobby. The Queen kept talking to her and B started banging her head on the window softly. It seemed like it was just to get attention. When the counselor came out she decided that B would be the only one to go to the counseling that day. At the end of the session we told the counselor what had happened and she told us that happens all of the time. When we got home B was better.

I am starting to wonder if B's behavior is tied to the counseling sessions. I will keep and eye on it to see if there is a connection.

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Another Year Down

I know this blog title may seem odd as New Year's Day was six months ago, but my birthday was last week. So in reference to age, another year has come and gone. As I think back about my thirty-ninth year, I believe it was a pretty good one.

As far as family is concerned, the year was great. We did not have any major emergencies. Nobody got hurt too badly. We actually made the decision to add another child(ren) to our family. I think we grew a lot as a family this past year.

My career remained on track. Nothing major happened. I think I am becoming a much more integral part of the company in my boss's eyes. He has really leaned on me for more decisions this past year. I feel good about where I am in the company, but would like to move higher. I guess that will be my goal for this year.

I feel like I have grown a lot in my personal life. I really started to exercise seriously this year and I feel much better than I have in a long time. I am in better shape than I have been since about 1996. That is a big accomplishment for me. I just need to stay on this path and continue to feel even better.

I have also been able to maintain my goal of reading twelve books this year. So far I have read five books and listened to one audio book. I have been reading the newest Intellectual Devotional as well. I am on pace to exceed my goal and even have the audio book as a bonus.

I have learned a lot from the books I have read. I have even been able to use some of my new found knowledge in my job. I have been acting as a mentor to our Assembly Manager. He comes to me for advice about the operation a lot. He just came to me again this last Friday. I told him that I may not have all of the answers, but I can give him an opinion based on a broad knowledge base and an open mind. I really think he appreciates my advice.

It was a great year. Here is looking forward to an even better fortieth year!

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We Are Ready

We had our final in-home interview with FamiliesFirst last night. It went great. I did not have to answer very many questions, but the girls had to answer quite a few. The Queen and I just had to fill out some more paperwork while the girls were being interviewed.

Our social worker was trying hard to talk us out of being foster/adoptive parents. She was telling us horror stories. I think she was just trying to see what our reactions would be and I guess she was satisifed. I was making dinner and helping Meg with her homework, so I did not pay much attention while she was not talking to me.

She told us that she has not learned anything from us that would prevent us from being foster/adoptive parents. She said that she would go back to her office and work on getting us certified. We really have no idea when they will call with a child or children. Toward the end of our interview, she got a phone call about some children that were being taken away from their mother. The children were five, three, one and a newborn. We all just kind of watched her in amazement as she was saying the kid's ages.

It is really hard for us to believe that there are people out there who either do now want to take care of their children or who are not capable of taking care of them. I know there are probably more than we think out there. It is all very sad.

One new piece of information she gave us is that a child will not be able to be adopted until they are placed in a stable home. For this reason, we may need to allow the child(ren) placed in our home visits with their family until the adoption is finalized. I thought all along that the child(ren) placed in our home would already be separated from their family and that we would not have to deal with their birth parents. I was wrong, but I think we can work through that without any issues.

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Long Weekend

Last Tuesday we were told by our social worker that we needed to have our spare bedroom ready for a child by today. The Queen and I talked about it and decided that our best option for a bed and dresser was to make the long trip to Ikea. The Queen and I both really like to shop at Ikea and they have good prices. I knew Unk Timmers was going to be in town, so I asked him to go with us. He agreed.

We had dinner with the fam on Friday night after Meg's track meet and we decided that we were going to leave at nine o'clock on Saturday morning. Saturday morning, The Queen decided that she needed to go to her classroom to get some things done so we cancelled the trip. After getting out of the shower, she decided the trip was back on. We ended up leaving at about ten thirty.

The trip to Burbank ended up taking us around three hours. It was the first time Unk Timmers shopped at an Ikea, so before we entered I told him he needed to prepare himself mentally. He had no plans to spend any money. He was just along for the ride.

As we walked through the showroom portion of the store he mentioned that he needed to buy a sectional soon. He started looking at them and ended up finding one that he liked. He said he might order it later.

We made our way to the bedroom furniture and found a bed, matress and dresser rather quickly. We made our way through the rest of the store much more slowly as The Queen was looking at every little thing trying to find items for her secret pal at work. We finally made it downstairs and picked up everything in the warehouse portion of the store. The Queen dissappeared and when I finally found her she had picked out a table and chairs for the patio. They were priced great, so I agreed to get them. Of course they were all sold out of the chairs so we found some alternatives and checked out.

Ikea was a mad house. The vehicle loading area was packed with people. It took me a while to get the truck parked there. We loaded up and hit the road. The trip home ended up taking us less than three hours.

Once home we began to put everything together. Unk Timmers was surprised at how easily everything went together and at the quality after it was built. I must say that Ikea has put a lot of thought into how their furniture is put together to make it the easiest and strongest. I am never dissappointed with my purchases from there. Granted, their stuff has the feel of a college dorm, but it is perfect for kid's rooms. Overall it was a great trip.

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I Am Very Lucky

We had our first in-home interview with a social worker from FamiliesFirst last night. She was a little late because she got lost. They really do not work very much in the south valley. When she arrived she apologized for not meeting us before showing up at our house and asking us personal questions. She said that she usually does not work that way.

She asked a lot of questions that really made me think. She asked both The Queen and me a lot of questions about our child hood. She asked a question about dealing with loss or a difficult time. She asked about school and about college. I really had a chance to think a lot about my life and I can say that I have been very lucky.

I had a pretty happy childhood. I did not have a lot of responsibility, so I got to be a kid. I never had pressure on me to do well in school, maybe becuase I always did well. My parents supported me in everything I chose to do. They got involved in everything.

All of this was great, but what really made me realize how lucky I am is when she asked Meg and Chels what kind of person I was. I don't know if they were just laying it on thick to make me look good or not, but they both said some really great things about me. I know I am not the easiest person to live with, but I guess they both appreciate me for the positive things I do for them. I heard words like "loving" and "fun" and phrases like, "I can talk to him about anything."

It is great to hear these things, because I am constantly questioning myself when it comes to my parenting skills.

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Our New Addition

We finally brought a new addition into our family. She is a beautiful young girl. Her name is Cocoa Bean.



I was not ready for another dog. I have really been enjoying my nice clean back yard with no holes or extra clean up work, but Cheeseball has been asking for a pet. My first suggestion was a fish. She told me that you cannot play with a fish so she didn't want one. She asked for a hamster. I said no. She asked for a cat. I said no. She asked for a rat. I said no.

The Queen told me about a co-worker whose dogs had puppies. She told me about the puppies and I said no. She told me that she wanted to go by her friend's house on Saturday and I agreed. I didn't even put together that this trip would be about the puppies. She showed them to us and The Queen fell in love with one of them. And I was smitten myself. We talked a little about it that night, but did not make a decision.

The next morning I told her I would like to talk to the girls about it. Before I went for a run I told the girls that I wanted to have a family meeting. When I got back I told them that I would be OK with getting a puppy if they promised me that they would take care of it. We told them that we would even pay for them to take the puppy for training. They agreed, so The Queen called her friend and told her.

We went to pick up the puppy on Sunday afternoon. The girls both fell in love with her. We took her to PetSmart to get food and supplies and to look into training. When we finally got home later last night, Cheeseball could not stand the fact that the puppy was whining. We convinced her to leave the puppy alone. She slept in a box in the laundry room.

This morning, The Queen needed to get some clothes out of the dryer at six o'clock. She went in and the puppy started whining. Cheeseball came right in to take care of the puppy. She took her outside and was very concerned that it was too cold for her. I tried to tell her she would be OK, but she was still worried.

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Happiness?

Does anyone really know what happiness is? Are you happy when you are just coasting through life without any challenges? Are you happy when you have little to no responsibility? Are you happy when you are in a relationship? What is happiness?

I work with some guys who are seriously defective when it comes to relationships and life. One of them has never been married, but was in a serious relationship for more than ten years. She left him and now he is bitter, grumpy and nearly cries whenever he talks about the past. He does not think clearly and is on the verge of hating all women.

He accepts that fact that he is a little bit crazy now and has read books about what happens when a relationship ends. What he has read has told him that it will still take him about three years to get over his ex-girldfriend. He is OK with that, but he is still very emotional. The good thing is that he knows what he is going through and has accepted it. The bad part of all this is that he is now very cynical.

Another co-worker was talking about how needy his girlfriend is. She has to be with him all of the time. He sounded like a sixteen year old boy. The only problem is that he is in hi fifties and his girlfriend is sixty. All he does is complain about their relationship. I think he is putting up a front, becuase maybe he feels like that is how men are supposed to act when they are in a relationship. I don't like that at all. Be a man and admit that you are happy in your relationship.

Yesterday, he was complaining again and started talking about his ex-girlfriend that he lived with for sixteen years or so. She had no problem going off and doing her own thing and he did the same. They would do things with their friends instead of eachother. I asked him where she was now. He totally missed what I was saying and told me that she was probably at home watching tv. I repeated my question and he just kind of froze like a deer in headlights. I told him that was why she left him. There was nothing keeping her in the relationship because she already had her own life.

The Queen was telling me about a conversation she had yesterday with a few of her friends. Two of them were talking about how happy they were and the third asked them how it felt to be happy. Then they talked about people who cheat and how it is unbelievable that their spouse is really in the dark and thinks they are happy. I told The Queen that it is because the spouse only thinks they are happy, but is so selfish that they have not asked the other party if they are happy. They probably do not even listen to them at all.

I think my comments caught her off guard. I then told her that she needs to stop working so much and have work-life balance. She is working had to try to get a permanent teaching contract and I appreciate that. We just need to keep working hard to make sure that we have a strong relationship with eachother and our children, especially if we finally get to add another child to our family.

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Writer's Block?

I am really struggling to write on this blog 5 times per week. My two posts this week have been horrible experiences for me. I also think they are just plain bad posts, but I am committed to writing at least 5 times per week so you are stuck with them. I have been thinking a lot about what the problem is for me this week and I cannot come up with an answer.

I have considered writer's block, but I am not a professional writer and that is one of the criteria for having the condition. Here is the definition from wikipedia: Writer's block is a condition, associated with writing as a profession, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task in hand. At the other extreme, some "blocked" writers have been unable to work for years on end, and some have even abandoned their careers.

This sounds about like what I am experiencing, but I keep forcing myself to write. For this reason, I don't think I am experiencing writer's block. I think I am just bored. Nothing really exciting is happening in my life right now. I am just going through the motions.

We are in a holding pattern with our foster/adoptive child. I just got an email last night that said they still need some items from us. This was after them telling me everything was in about a week and a half ago, so this was not welcome news. I now have to scramble to get the other items completed. It seems to be delay after delay. It is such a let down from all of the excitement we were experiencing at the end of last year.

I am also really affected by the negative emotions that my teenage daughter is going through. It seems like she is never happy and that upsets me. I am frustrated that she feels this way and I don't understand it. She has more than most people, yet she is not as happy as I think she should be. I need to stop having expectations for her feelings and just let her experience them on her own, but it it had. She projects her feelings on everyone around her.

I can't blame her though. The problem really exists within me. I need to shake things up a bit and get some excitement back in my life so I have something to write about. I need to experience something new. Maybe the answer is to just start running again to train for a 5K. That kept me motivated on a goal.

I guess it could also be all of the rainy days that we have been experiencing lately. The fourth of six storms should arrive today. I really like the rain and I know we need it, so I never thought it would get me down. Maybe it has though. Oh well, that just means I need to try harder.

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The End is in Sight

We received word from our social worker at FamiliesFirst on Thursday that we are done with everything except our home study. It will still take a few weeks before they can take care of that because they have a back log.

Our social worker will be presenting us as adoptive parents at a Tulare County adoption meeting this week. I guess this is the first step in finding us a child to adopt. We are all very excited.

When we told Meg she asked us if the child gets to select us. I had to explain to her that it is a decision that involves many people including the child and our family. She understood the process a little better at that point. We all just hope that we can find a child sooner rather than later.

Who wouldn't want to be a part of this family?

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Foster Parenting Class Part 2

As I stated yesterday, this two-day class was very informative. I learned a lot and found myself very interested in the information. I even mentioned to Tina that I would not mind becoming a social worker. The only problem is that it requires a master's degree and they pay is not good at all.

The passion for the subject matter that Maria showed really helped me to accept the information. She made me want to learn more about the behavior problems and their causes. I think that this is the first time that I have shown any interest in this subject. I may even look into it some more.

The most troubling part of the training is that now I am able to see the behaviour that is caused by abuse. I am able to see it in the behavior of kids I have come in contact with. As I think back, I have no problem accepting the figure that 80% of children in foster care have been abused. I told Tina that a lot of the behavior problems she tells me about from her school stem from abuse of some kind. She already knew this, but it was a revelation for me.

I never thought about why a child acted the way they did or why some children were slow learners. I wouldn't say that I never cared, I just don't think that I was educated enough to even think about why it was happening. Now I know differently. I don't think I will be able to watch a kid throw a tantrum in a store the same way again. I will always be analyzing the behavior and trying to determine what the cause is. I now understand why Dr. Drew is able to come to a conclussion so fast with the callers on Loveline.

This was a great experience for me.

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Foster Parenting Class Part 1

My wife and I had to attend a foster parenting class over the weekend. It was a 2-day class that I was not looking forward to. I think Tina felt the same way.

We arrived early on Saturday while the instructor was still setting things up. We chatted with her some and I ended up helping her set up her computer for the presentation. She was not able to get the presentation to be projected. It was a simple fix.

One other couple arrived a few minutes after the class was supposed to start. There were four couples that were supposed to be taking the class and only us and the one other couple showed up. My dread for the class was mounting. Maria began the class and she really opened my mind.

I have never taken any child psychology or early childhood development classes, so all of this was new to me. I started out very skeptical. I have heard many of these things before from Tina and her mom and dad. I have really never bought into the ideas much. This was different. Maria did a really good job of describing the reasons why the behaviors happen and what causes them. She was very passionate about the subject and it really helped.

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Jumping Through Hoops

We are in the middle of all of our paperwork for our background check. I went in for my physical yesterday and everything is great. I had to go to the lab this morning to have them draw blood for a cholesterol screening and get a TB test. The results of the TB test will be read on Friday. I will pick up all of the paperwork from my Doctor on Monday or Tuesday.

I feel pretty good about the process. It has not really been that much work. The big item we have left is to get first aid/cpr certified. We can do it at the Red Cross, but that is an all day class. QTRHT is trying to get an alternative from her school nurse. We will see how that works out.

The Queen and the girls still need to go for their physicals. She and Chachi are trying to go today and I have Cheeseball scheduled for next week. After that, we can send in our paperwork and schedule the first home visit.

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New Family Addition

So the cat is out of the bag. We have been discussing adopting a child for some time now. It really did not get serious until about 2 months ago. The Queen had a child in her class who was placed with a foster family. She noticed a big change in the girl's confidence and appearance. As one of Chachi's high school classes, she is an aid at an elementary school in town. She has a child in that class who is also living with a foster family.

Both Chachi and The Queen really like the children in the classes who are living with foster families. They seem to be really nice, adjusted kids. They started talking about them a few months ago and we decided that it was time to seriously look into adoption. I did some research online and we decided to give FamiliesFirst a try.

I contacted them to get some more information. QTRHT and I read through it and decided to take the next step. We called for an orientation appointment. We met with them on November 11. Everything sounded great, so we started the process. It is a lot of paperwork and we all must have physicals.

We are all very excited to get our new addition. We even asked FamiliesFirst if it was possible to have a child by Christmas and they said it could be a possibility. Cheeseball really wants a little brother or sister, so we are looking for a child that is in first or second grade. So far this has been a pretty painless process. I guess we will see if that continues.

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